Couples with strong relationships have these money issues in common

First, you need to understand what is important to share and discuss.

1. Discuss your financial past.

Susan Zimmerman of Mindful Asset Planning in Apple Valley, Minn., suggests you start with the question: “What was the financial atmosphere in your family when you were growing up?” 

From there, discuss the money messages you received, she says. Your financial history is an essential part of you and your partner.

If you cannot take this first step, ask yourself: Is this the right person for me, or is the topic too difficult? Is the issue that you cannot trust them, or do you feel uncomfortable talking about this subject with anyone? 

Old habits die hard. If you grew up in a household that didn’t talk about money, you may need a professional to help you break through this pattern. If you feel that sharing this part of your past will lead to a loss in independence, you have another issue. Either way, consider talking to a financial therapist.                         

Even long-term couples will benefit from this conversation. The goal, Zimmerman says, is: “By sharing stories, you can figure out your own financial philosophy as a couple.”

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2. Create a joint account. 

Create a joint account only after deciding what the money is to be spent on, how much either one can spend without consulting the other, and who is going to contribute how much to the account.

The intentionality and conversations matter. This is not simply pouring all your money into one account to solve all your money issues with a partner and provide instant togetherness. Part of the process is connecting and problem-solving as a team. Despite some couples acting with one person “in charge” or being totally financially independent, that system does not prove best for long-lasting happiness.

A study from Cornell University and the University of Colorado says couples who share an account are happier. According to one of the researchers: “We expected pooled finances to increase one’s level of dependence on their partner.” Instead, they discovered that couples with pooled financial accounts tended to exhibit a strong emotional connection and their interactions were more positive, stable and safe.

To make this system work, couples need to discuss priorities as well as needs and wants. This symbolic step means they are planning for a future together. Most of all, they trust each other. Money is just one piece of the puzzle. Conversations that lead up to forming the joint account are what make the couple happier. Other researchers argue that couples who expect their relationship to last are more likely to pool resources.

Remember, you do not have to combine all your money. You may choose to hold money in individual accounts. The joint account represents teamwork and allows for continued financial conversations as you grow and change.

3. Be financially transparent.

By revealing all financially, you and your partner are assured better chances for a lasting relationship. Sharing the details of your financial life, from salary to assets, from debts to retirement account balances, you are connecting a lot of yourself to the most essential person in your life.

If you do not feel comfortable taking this step, start small. First, share your checking and savings account details. Then, move to salary and how you manage your money. Then to the debts, and finally to your assets. 

Also, check and share your credit reports. These free reports — and be sure to check all three — have more information on individual behavior around credit behavior than just your credit score. 

Why would you want to share this type of information? First, you are sharing so much else of a personal nature, money information is part of the partnership. 

Second, not revealing this information honestly may cause more harm than good. Over 40% of people admit to having kept financial information from a partner. Yet, according to one study, 64% of people say this would be viewed as a type of infidelity. 

4. Dream together. 

Money discussions do not have to involve accounts, funds and debts. Talk about your dreams, both as a couple and individuals. Those conversations can be fun and frivolous, yet help you get to know your partner in a new way. The bonus? This step will help set priorities as a team, recognizing your separate and joint goals. 

You may, for example, set up a savings account for a second home on a lake that you both contribute to each month. While your partner puts away a few dollars for that trip to Machu Picchu.

Finally, remember all partnerships are full of conflict and compromise in life. On-going communication around building a solid shared financial life takes time. The investment may be the most important one of 2023. 

CD Moriarty is a certified financial planner, a columnist for MarketWatch and a personal-finance speaker. She blogs at MoneyPeace.