Judd Apatow’s Best Jokes From The DGA Awards

Judd Apatow returned for a fourth time to host the 75th Annual DGA Awards, where he opened Saturday’s show with yuks about Austin Butler’s voice, the presence of a “F–k Boy Table” and Tom Cruise’s stunts.

Unfortunately, Apatow’s off-color remarks could not be heard outside the Beverly Hilton ballroom. Like previous years, The King of Staten Island director instructed the DGA to cut off the feed from his speech to the press room so he could enjoy “creative freedom,” explained one insider. So Deadline was left to piece together what he said from various tweets.

“We are not even on the radio tonight,” Apatow remarked at the top of his monologue. “This show is being live-streamed to the back of this room. This show is so irrelevant, it’s shocking Elon Musk hasn’t bought it yet.”

Apatow went on to take a swipe at Butler’s Elvis Presley voice, which no one really believes has gone away since he finished the Baz Luhrmann movie. So Apatow cracked that Butler’s next film will be “The Jerry Lewis Story.”

As for Cruise and his insistence that he perform all of his own stunts, Apatow joked, “tell Tom that Thelma and Louise didn’t exactly jump over the cliff themselves. Tom, have you heard of CGI?”

Apatow added that the stunts feel like “an ad for Scientology.”

As for the infamous “F–k Boy Table,” Apatow was referencing director Michael Shea’s team on HBO Max’s FBoy Island, which was up for Best Reality directing at the DGA Awards this year. Shea lost to Running Wild with Bear Grylls. (FBoy Island was also canceled in December).

Fortunately, the rest of Apatow’s jokes for the night were heard by all:

“I made a dildo joke [in his monologue]. Seth Rogen texted it to me this morning. That’s a good friend.”

“It’s really nice what Glenn Weiss said [about thanking his family]. To my family, to Leslie, Maude and Iris, I couldn’t do what I do without you. Where are they seated? Oh yeah they aren’t here because they don’t give a shit.“

“I believe our friend Aubrey Plaza is here. I can’t believe you have a worst seat than Fkboy Island. You gotta talk to your publicist.” (Later, Plaza said she was actually seated at the F–boy Table and “likes it, that’s where I belong.”)

“I would like to give a shout out to my team at my table, my manager Jimmy Miller for many decades, my agent David Kramer… yeah they aren’t here, they don’t give a shit, either. I’m literally here alone. I don’t have anyone.”

“This show is pretty good don’t you think? Sam Levinson is here tonight. He’s the writer-director-creator of Euphoria. My daughter Maude is on that show. It’s very successful. My only frustration, I kind of want her to have a baby. [Editor’s note: He said something about wanting to be a grandfather. I dunno, man]. She said, ‘dad, I play a 16-year-old on a high school TV show.’ I’ve seen the show. I don’t think it would be that weird to have a little crack baby on that show. Your baby can play the crack baby, a two-salary situation on that show.”

“Let’s hear it for me, I’m working hard. It’s a scary time in the business, isn’t it? Everything is changing very quickly. People don’t know what to do. All the studios may merge … then at some point there will only be one studio, which would be an advantage for me, because then there would only be one person’s d–k to suck. It’s such a timesaver! Seth Rogen sent that to me.”

“I feel guilty about that dirty joke I told before. I especially feel guilty because Seth didn’t write that joke, I just got scared [so he said Seth’s name]. Judd Hirsch sent it to me and told me it would work.”

“Our next presenter directed Boogie Night, There Will Be Blood and Licorice Pizza. He has never won a DGA award, which kind of makes me think this whole night is bullshit. Please welcome Paul Thomas Anderson.”

“Our final presenter won an Oscar and DGA award for directing the independent film Nomadland about a woman living in van. Then she directed The Eternals, so she wouldn’t have to live in a van down by the river. Please welcome Chloé Zhao.”