A Christmas thriller-comedy from director Michael Dougherty, Krampus, is one of a kind when it comes to epic horror. It’s both a monster movie and a holiday romp; one that’s atmospheric, spooky, and humorous all in one measure.
The unique premise of the film — a demonic counterpart to Santa Claus and his evil minions — sets the stage for some pretty funny, off-the-wall moments, along with plenty of chuckle-worthy quotes.
Updated on December 26th, 2022 by Mark Birrell: Whether the characters are commenting on the absurdity of their situation or trying their best to be sincere, the best Krampus quotes capture both the humor and the heart that burst from this modern holiday classic. The movie is built to be revisited each and every holiday season, so with each passing year, more and more great sayings can be found in the sharp dialogue.
“So, Where’s The Nog? I Need To Get Merry.”
Aunt Dorothy
Aunt Dorothy is one of the family members from Krampus that feels ripped straight from the hilarious holiday favorite National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. As cranky as she can be at times, she’s full of the kind of Christmas spirit that the film needs to balance out its darkest moments.
She delivers this line when she’s first introduced, and it not only sums up her character perfectly but produces a classic holiday phrase that can be used at just about any Christmas family gathering.
“A Holiday Roast Is A Surprise. Hemorrhoids Are A Surprise. She Is A Goddamn Nightmare.”
Sarah Engel
After Linda describes Aunt Dorothy as a surprise, Sarah waits until they’re alone to let her know how unpleasant of a surprise their relative really is.
Almost anyone can relate to having to deal with a difficult relative around a holiday in order to keep the spirit of togetherness alive. Aunt Dorothy can be a real test of the Christmas spirit, especially for Sarah, and this Krampus quote sums up just how irritating the experience of being an accommodating host can be.
“And I Just Wanna Say I’m Sorry For… Thinking You’re Such A Spineless Dick All These Years.”
Uncle Howard
After Tom saves Howard from one of Krampus’ most vicious monsters, the two have a nice moment where Howard begins to show his nicer side. Or at least, he tries to.
The beginning of this hilarious Krampus quote really makes it seem like Howard is about to say something sweet, but he finishes it up with this slightly softer-than-usual dig at Tom. The really funny part is that Howard genuinely seems to think that this is a heartfelt compliment and seems satisfied with his choice of words.
“Evil Santa? Jesus H. Almighty. She’ll Be Yammering About A Rabid Easter Bunny Come Spring.”
Uncle Howard
Most of the time, Howard shows absolutely no regard for how his words will really impact other people. So, after Max’s grandmother is done recounting her harrowing story of her first encounter with Krampus, he doesn’t sugarcoat what he’s really thinking.
How the characters react to their horrifically fantastical experience is an interesting part of the movie unto itself, and Howard’s total denial of the dark Christmas magic going on in front of his very eyes may not be one of the smartest responses, but it’s certainly one of the funniest.
“Hey! Give Me Back My Kids, You… Fudger!”
Aunt Linda
After watching one of her children get swallowed whole by one of Krampus’ monsters and getting attacked by a demonic teddy bear, Linda snaps and finally shows some of the fighting spirit that she had hinted at earlier in the movie.
After picking up an axe and dealing with the rest of the monsters in the attic, she goes after the one that swallowed her child. It’s a triumphant moment in the film but also a fun reference that fans of classic holiday movies will recognize, as it echoes one the most famous quotes from A Christmas Story, which uses the same word substitution but in a different way.
“We Should Have Gone To My Brother’s!”
Uncle Howard
Max’s uncle might be crude and abrasive, though he also provides another source for this horror-comedy’s goofier, lighter side to balance out the darkness. He makes it clear soon after his arrival that he doesn’t particularly care to be there. In fact, he bluntly states on multiple occasions that he regrets not going to his brother’s place instead.
But the comedic effect of this running gag is amped up in a heated scene involving a showdown with Krampus’ killer Christmas cookies. A baffled and frustrated Howard utters this statement as he’s withstanding a barrage of nail gun shots from the sadistic gingerbread men. It makes for some delightful comedic timing, given the absurd, dangerous circumstances.
“Twisted Fairytale Horse****!”
Uncle Howard
After spending several hours getting terrorized by Krampus and his minions, things really start to get weird and horrific for the family. The ghoulish Christmas elves break into the Engel household and snatch up most of the remaining family members. Ironically, this particularly creepy, desperate moment spurs some of the funniest quips from the frightened family looking on.
One such gem comes from Howard, who makes this fitting declaration as his loved ones are getting dragged off into the dark blizzard beyond. Howard isn’t seen again until the finale, so it’s a great send-off for one of the movie’s best characters.
“I Just Got My Ass Kicked By A Bunch Of Christmas Cookies, So Trust Me When I Tell You I Can Take It!”
Uncle Howard
Leave it to Uncle Howard to bust out some of the crudest, most colorful lines in Krampus. While most of the family has had to deal with their share of punishment from these creatures by this point, Max’s uncle gets it particularly bad when he only barely manages to ward off volleys of nails from the gingerbread men.
By the final act of the film, he’s ready to throw down — as he amusingly yells to his wife after she warns him that he doesn’t want to know what’s lurking upstairs. Hearing a grown man confess to tangling with baked goods makes for a pretty goofy quote that embodies the comedic horror of the film.
“See Ya In Hell!”
Aunt Dorothy
It’s hard not to get a kick out of this sassy, quirky character, memorably portrayed by the late Conchata Ferrell. Dorothy’s often quick to bust out a joke and keep the mood light even in the face of killer toys and a demonic Santa. Right before her capture by Krampus’ elves, she busts out one last emphatic zinger for the road.
This is made even funnier after Dorothy swiftly gets pulled back with full force by the evil elves into the blizzard beyond. This action is complemented by a comical yanking sound effect for good measure, making this over-the-top scene more akin to the Looney Tunes than something from a dark thriller.
“I’m Old Enough To Know When Life Is Coming At Me With Its Pants Down.”
Aunt Dorothy
Aunt Dorothy may have her sillier ways, but she makes it clear that with age comes experience and wisdom — even if it is tinged with cynicism. After all, she’s outranked in elder status only a bit by Max’s grandmother, and she manages to convey her wisdom in her own zany way.
As Max’s grandmother explains more details surrounding the ominous Krampus, Dorothy chimes in with her own translation. “We’re ****ed,” is her interpretation, and she caps the statement off with this character-defining quote.
“For Your Sake, Just… Stay The Hell Out Of My Kitchen.”
Sarah Engel
The zany Aunt Dorothy has no shortage of quips and sassy remarks to keep the comic relief in Krampus going. While she’s an amusing and generally likable character overall for the audience, her own niece doesn’t quite seem to feel the same.
This is certainly the case early in the film, following Aunt Dorothy’s sustained criticism of Sarah’s cooking. This prompts a very harsh response from Sarah when she finally snaps. Though it’s clearly too harsh a reaction, many people can relate to Sarah’s frustration here as she’s put so much work into making Christmas nice for her family but gets no credit for it.
“I Haven’t Been This Hungover Since The Pope Died.”
Aunt Dorothy
Many people know of the stereotypical portrayal of the drunk uncle at Christmas get-togethers, but in the case of Krampus, it’s Dorothy who steps in as the role of drunk aunt. As it happens, this comes in handy and proves pretty justified — given the terrifying circumstances and lack of electricity.
Naturally, she makes one last colorful reference to getting merry in the closing scene of the film. It’s nice to see at the end of the movie that even though everyone is shown in a much softer light in the final scene, Aunt Dorothy has retained her hearty attitude.
“A Little Sugar, A Little Spice… Makes Everything Nice.”
Aunt Dorothy
The middle of the film is something of a lull in terms of the action, though not when it comes to the building tension, as the family hunkers down in a snowed-in house without electricity.
Whilst a demonstration of why Aunt Dorothy is a bad babysitter, it’s also a line that keeps the holiday spirit alive amidst the dark and creepy scenario, which is what the film is all about deep down.
“Jesus Was Born In A Barn!”
Uncle Howard
Howard certainly isn’t shy about speaking his mind and there are various funny moments that involve blunt statements from this tough, stubborn uncle — but this line is one of the funniest.
After noting that he and his side of the family should have gone to his brother’s place, his wife Linda reminds her husband that his brother lives on a pig farm. Howard’s indignant response is especially funny given the childish tone that actor David Koechner gives it.
“That’s What A Family Is, Max. People You Try To Be Friends With, Even When You Don’t Have A Lot In Common.”
Tom Engel
It’s easy to appreciate funny quotes, and there’s no shortage of them in Krampus. At the same time, lines with a bit of profundity can also make for pretty amusing quips in their own way.
Though Max’s father Tom isn’t always the most hysterical character, he does have perhaps the funniest, most memorable line of dialogue in the film. It fits perfectly with the film’s overarching themes, as this family of very different characters must band together to survive Krampus’ torment. But moreover, it’s a really relatable quote about the difficulties of the holidays and of family in general.
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