Your Guide to Ethical Nonmonogamy, From Someone Who Actually Does It

There’s a lot of confusion over what ethical nonmonogamy, also called ENM or consensual nonmonogamy, means or looks like. I’ve been practicing nonmonogamy for more than seven years, and I even wrote a book on the topic — “The Polyamory Workbook” — and the reactions I get vary from excitement to curiosity to disbelief. But while ENM isn’t necessarily easy (like any relationship), it doesn’t have to be confusing.

ENM relationships are often considered taboo, particularly in Western countries. Even a quick Google search leads to results emphasizing how “real” romantic love and marriage can only be about two (usually cis, heterosexual) people. But the reality is that many cultures practice different forms of nonmonogamy, and commitment doesn’t necessarily have to encompass exclusivity. There are many people with joyful, committed ENM marriages and many people who choose to shun marriage altogether in favor of a more independent or community-oriented lifestyle.

While there are many styles of ENM (more on this in a bit), the main groupings are generally understood as open, polyamorous, swingers, and relationship anarchists. You’ll need to consider what kind of specific relationship dynamics and lifestyles are best suited for you as an individual and the loved ones in your life.

ENM Meaning

At its most basic, EMN is an umbrella term that describes the many variations and styles of relationships between partners that are not sexually or emotionally exclusive to two people. So when considering nonmonogamy, it’s important to understand that there is no one way to do ENM. People often use the term as a catchall, rather than an indicator of their particular practices, partner set-up, goals, and boundaries.

While some nonmonogamous people consider the addition of “ethical” unnecessary (monogamous people aren’t walking around saying they practice “ethical” monogamy, after all), the word does indicate a certain commitment to honesty, integrity, and safety that many nonmonogamist communities prioritize.

The Kinds of ENM Relationships

The most important thing to understand about any ENM relationship is that they are consensual, mutually desired, and safe. All parties must be aware of the nonmonogamy, consent to the agreed-upon relationship dynamic, and have clear agreements on sexual health, safety, communication, and boundaries.

If someone feels pressured to open up their relationship or have sex or group sex when they don’t want to, or if their health and safety is knowingly compromised by another person, that’s not ENM. Many people mistakenly understand ENM as a “free-for-all,” but the opposite is actually true. In order for ENM to function properly, all parties must understand their shared responsibility to respect, communicate with, and honor all those involved.

That said, let’s get into the four main ENM dynamics:

Open relationships. Open relationships are probably the best-known dynamic of the bunch. The specifics of an open relationship depend on the parties involved — meaning, you must always ask and clarify what a certain dynamic means to someone, rather than assume. But in general, an open relationship usually involves two committed partners (who may live together or be married) and their agreement to sleep with others outside of that relationship. Often, the couple’s relationship is prioritized over other, more casual sexual connections that may or may not have an emotional aspect or commitment.

Polyamory. Polyamory generally describes people who maintain or desire multiple emotional, sexual, and committed relationships. “Kitchen table” polyamory describes a relationship style where lovers and partners can interact with one another as friends or acquaintances — so for example, you, your partner, and your partner’s partner can all sit at the table together and enjoy a conversation. In some cases, people introduce hierarchies into their polyam relationships, denoting “primary” and “secondary” partners with different agreements therein. Hierarchies are falling out of style (you’ll never catch me, for example, ranking my relationships with loved ones), as many people feel they introduce unfair power dynamics into a relationship.

Swingers. Swingers primarily explore nonmonogamy in group dynamics. Traditionally, though not always the case for everyone, swingers are married couples who attend sex parties to “swap” partners for an evening or engage in group sex. These relationships are primarily physical and fleeting, and couples do not usually have sex or date without their spouses.

Relationship anarchists. The most important distinction between relationship anarchists and other ENM practitioners is the absence of rules. For example, RAs would almost never consent to a hierarchical relationship, limits on who they are “allowed” to date, or sex dynamics where their partner “had” to be involved. Relationship anarchy also prioritizes nonsexual partnerships and commitments, with an emphasis on community building, mutual freedom, and compatibility.

How Do I Know If Ethical Nonmonogamy Is For Me?

There are many ways people enter into a nonmonogamous relationship. Some people are naturally attracted to ENM and pursue relationships where monogamy is never on the table. Others are introduced to ENM through a lover and find they’re well-suited to sustain multiple relationships. Increasingly, monogamous couples are exploring opening their relationship up while still maintaining the initial relationship.

There’s no one “right” way to explore nonmonogamy, and anyone can experiment with different relationship styles to see what works for them and their loved ones. There’s also no shame in thinking ENM is right for you and realizing you prefer monogamy.

However, the first step is to educate yourself on ENM and reflect deeply on why you want nonmonogamy. Investigate your motivations — are you excited to explore and support your partners, or are you more interested in your own freedom rather than others’? Are you prepared to talk about sex, STIs, contraception, and health openly with multiple people, or would you prefer not to worry about sexual health? How do you manage your time, how will you follow up on commitments for dates, etc.?

There are plenty of resources available to help you consider these questions. “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern, and my own book “The Polyamory Workbook” are all great places to start, refine, or investigate your ENM practice.