Don’t let romance scammers break the bank and your heart

SAN ANTONIO — Soulmate or scammer?  It can be hard to tell the difference with a relationship that begins online. Lori Arnold of Texas is sharing her story for the first time so others do not end up both broke and heartbroken.

Arnold was not looking for love, just companionship, so her friend convinced her to sign up for two dating sites.

“I was there just to play around a little bit with it,” she said.

 It was not long before scammers began to message her.

“The first thing I noticed was two or three people that I texted, within a few texts they were asking for money, so I immediately just shut it off,” Arnold said. “I’m not going to put up with that.”

The man she ended up giving money to did not ask for any money at all. The two mostly texted, but they did rarely have a phone call or quick video chat.

“He was not wanting to do phone calls and video chats often,” Arnold said.

 After about two weeks he told her he borrowed money from what he described as a “bad” person and regretted it.

“Then one day he didn’t text for a while,” Arnold said. “Then when he did, he was in the hospital and they had met with him. He didn’t have the money, so they beat him up.”

He told he was trying to get funds from customers that owed him money, but had no luck. He also said he planned to ask a friend for money, but found out that friend had died. The next update he gave her was upsetting.

“He said next time they were going to start taking fingers,” Arnold said. “That really, really freaked me out. I was in constant worry. I was crying. I was stressed. I didn’t tell anybody else. It was nobody else’s business. Then I said, you know, I don’t have a lot, but can I send you some money?”

He refused. Arnold said she convinced him to let her send him money.

“This is where I stopped sharing with people because I was just so embarrassed,” she said.

She mailed him a check for $15,000. She said he sent her two dozen roses to prove he was sincere. Shortly afterward, a friend encouraged her to watch a Dr. Phil episode on romance scams.

“My blood just turned cold and I was just, oh, my gosh, what have I done?” Arnold said. “I’m not that stupid. I just berated myself so much.”

Then, the requests for more money began.

“He said, baby, is there any way you can send me anything else?” Arnold said. “And I said no. Then we texted a few more times and then he said it again and I said I don’t have anymore.”

Suddenly he did not have any more time for her.

“That was the last text I ever got,” Arnold said.

The Better Business Bureau (BBB) warns romance scammers have a two-step formula for financial fraud. First, there is always an emergency of some sort.

“It’s just so many different variations,” said Jason Meza, regional director of the San Antonio area BBBB. “The problem is, yes, you’re giving money to someone you’ve never met before.”

He said these scams often take weeks, months, even years for scammers to gain the trust of their victims.

The Federal Trade Commission reports romance scammers’ number one favorite lie is: I am or a loved one is sick, hurt, or in jail. Other ways scammers convince you to give them money include saying they can teach you how to invest. Others tell someone they are in the military and far away. Some say they work on an oil rig or ship. Many also say you can trust them with your private pictures.

Secondly, a scammer will ask you to send money by an unsecured method such as a wire transfer, gift card, or a cash app like Venmo, Zelle, or Cash App.

“They’re hard to trace and they’re almost impossible to get that back or return funds,” Meza said.

He also warns it is a red flag if anyone quickly professes love but will not meet with you in person. Arnold said looking back, she should have seen that warning sign.

“If anyone says they miss you, love you, can’t live without you after mere texts and maybe a phone call, they’re putting on,” she said. “There is no way you can fall in love like that. We talked about possibly meeting and he kept putting it off. It’s not safe, you know, with these people. Luckily, I didn’t say I’ll send you airfare or do that. But he was not wanting to meet, rarely talk on the phone. That could probably be a pretty big red flag, too, because you think if they love and miss you so much, they’d want to at least Zoom once in a while, but no.”

She said she know her money is gone even though she filed reports with the FBI, police, and BBB.

“I don’t want anybody to go through that. If they tell sob stories like that I’m really in a lot of trouble, I’m in the hospital or anything like that. It’s really hard because he didn’t ask for money,” Arnold said. “If they’re hinting, hinting, hinting, just never send it to anybody, period.”

Meza said many victims experience shame around romance scams and never report them, which makes it difficult to stop the scammers.

“It’s an unreported scheme,” he said. “People aren’t coming forward. There’s a lot of shame and guilt involved. So victims are hesitant to step forward, but when they do, it puts a bigger spotlight on it for us because now we can bring more of these rings to prosecution.”

Arnold said the best way to protect yourself is to date in person and not online. She is now off all dating sites.

“I’m happy single,” she said. “I don’t care if I am the rest of my life, especially after something like that. I wasn’t even looking for a life partner. I was looking for just that casual dating friendship.”

She also said never to volunteer any money and just not to send any if you are asked. 

Meza said to play detective if you do date online.

“You should be pressing for as much detail about their situation,” he said. “The common tale is that they’re on the other side of a bitter divorce or they’re serving overseas in our military, or they can’t get to a place as quickly as they’d like and they can’t meet you in person because of some situation. If you ask enough questions and do enough digging, you can figure out who they really are.”

He suggested researching the area your love interest claims to live in for landmarks and attractions. Ask pointed questions about these places and their opinions. Find out their favorite places to eat and socialize. Verify those places exist. If they struggle to answer or are very general, proceed with caution.

Also, verify photos by using a reverse image search to see if the person is who they claim to be. Scammers often steal photos of other people.