The Month in Satan News: A Breakdown of Every Music Act Causing the Current Satanic Panic

The last month has been a busy one for the Dark Lord. His calendar app must take up a lot of memory with all the supposed appearances he’s been making at the Grammys, on posters and in music fashion lines recently.

Satan has once again wormed his way into the music industry to get at those precious young eyeballs helplessly gobbling up the sin. The satanic panic is full-on back in music because, well, panic is back in general, thanks to 24-hour news networks and social media. If this sounds trite, it’s because it’s not a new take and it never really went away. This fear cycle feels a lot like a never-ending episode of Stranger Things.

The 1980s were marked by an epidemic of satanic claims that made up the infamous “Satanic Panic” among parents who believed wild stories about human sacrifices and blood rituals fueled by popular music. These, of course, turned out to be not even remotely true. The whole affair was just the latest in a long line of generational scapegoats that adults use to blame the next generation — see also: horror comics, video games and Dungeons & Dragons. The Satan chatter has been so repetitive it’s like when a rapper samples another rapper’s music except it’s Donald Trump Jr. on a cocaine binge parroting words from old episodes of Geraldo.

Just got introduced to Sam Smith & Kim Petras through The Grammys. Both beyond talented! Such a bad ass song & performance. If I ever do become a wrestler this would be my entrance theme.

Sam Smith/Kim Petras U N H O L Y

I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG & VIDEO! pic.twitter.com/cVg5W5e4WG

— ꧁༺ 𝓛𝓲𝓼𝓪𝓜𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓮 ༻꧂ (@ThatGirlLisaNY) February 12, 2023

Here are some of the artists accused of working for Satan just in the past month or so:

Sam Smith and Kim Petras at the Grammys

This year’s winner for best pop duo broke new ground as Petras became the first openly transgender woman to win a Grammy. Unfortunately, all of that was overshadowed because all anyone could talk about it is how the pair’s performance of the song “Unholy” was choreographed, designed and probably even catered by Satan.

The most notorious of transphobes jumped on the performance, including The Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh, conspiracy con artist Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene and, yes, even that “wascally wabbit,” Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. It’s all because Sam Smith wore (gasp!) a red top hat with horns on it, the stage was (GASP!) surrounded by fire and the entire scene was doused in (AUGH!) red light.

Let’s just say for a minute that this was the work of Satan trying to influence impressionable young minds, which it wasn’t since the song is actually about the pain of marital infidelity and struggling to maintain an identity in a world full of judging eyes. Satan could’ve been more obvious about it, maybe hung a huge neon sign over the whole thing reading, “Satan is behind this!” Satan also wouldn’t have dolled Smith up in a Spirit Halloween devil costume. The Devil wears Prada, people. Walsh, Greene and Cruz must get triggered every time they see a Dirt Devil vacuum or a New Jersey Devils game.

Still not over this nearly minute-long, uninterrupted, continuous shot from Rihanna’s halftime show. It’s pure art. pic.twitter.com/RH0DLPW1Uz

— Nate Morris (@_natemorris) February 13, 2023

Rihanna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show

Remember when a Black female performer had to accidentally and partially expose herself to get people mad about a halftime Super Bowl show? These days, you could get criticized for putting on too many layers during your performance.

Rihanna’s medley performance, which included her signature hit “Umbrella,” got called up for being a part of Satan’s toolbelt for some reason. At least with Rihanna’s performance, you had to do some actual digging instead of just pointing at the nearest thing in horns and yelling “Satan!” This time, former Dallas TV reporter turned Newsmax pundit Grant Stinchfield — who once smashed a TV for the now-defunct NRA TV network — was one of the louder voices yelling about Rihanna’s performance. He linked it to Satan by pointing out that Rihanna was DRESSED IN RED while “people dressed in white like angels” fell from the sky, which he interpreted as a reenactment of Ezekiel 28:12–17 from the Bible when God cast Lucifer down from the heavens. Wait till he learns about biblical art.

And Rihanna was pregnant! Just change her name to Rosemary already.

So if simply wearing red makes you the Devil, is Stinchfield going to demand a recall of all of those MAGA hats? What about Donald Trump’s signature red tie? Off with Lindsay Lohan’s head! We hate to break it to some … Southern residents, too, but some of your necks gots to go.

Madonna’s Grammy Speech and Vanity Fair Photo Shoot

There’s just no pleasing some people. Even if a pop artist comes out in favor of spirituality or religion, some loudmouths will only focus on the superficial while also telling us to look at a deeper, more sinister meaning. It’s the intellectual equivalent of naming your dog “Stay.”

Madonna recently posed for the cover of the Italian edition of Vanity Fair, which included an in-depth interview about her career and music. Asked about her relationship with religion, she said that it’s “important to have ritualistic behavior and a spiritual life” and that a life with religion that doesn’t prompt “understanding, knowledge, curiosity and inclusivity” is not a religion.

Of course, that didn’t stop Daily Wire talking head Candace Owens from jumping down Madonna’s throat for mocking Christianity and putting “the demonic nature of everything you represent by using Christian imagery” because she dared to dress up like the Virgin Mary and recreate Leonardo Da Vinci’s “The Last Supper” in her own image.

Who knew it only took a high-powered iPhone and a costume rental to invoke the name of Satan?

Doja Cat’s Wardrobe

This one is amazing because it has nothing to do with music, the most popular culprit for alleged satanic influence. Apparently, Satan also has a bitchin’ tailor.

YouTuber turned pop star Doja Cat has been dodging satanic accusations for a long time, and her most recent run-in with the red menace came about a month ago during Paris Fashion Week when she showed up to Schiaparelli’s fashion line rollout studded from head to toe in red Swarovski crystals. The outrage started when people on Twitter realized the entire line was inspired by Dante’s Inferno, a story about one man’s journey through heaven and hell, which isn’t actually connected to any religious texts or canon. It’s like claiming Spider-Man fanfiction is part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Demi Lovato’s Albums and Advertisements

This one really hurts because Demi’s a hometown hero, but an actual government is involved in connecting the singer with the Prince of Darkness.

Lovato’s new album Holy Fvck features the singer in some light bondage wear lying on a cross, and the U.K. decided to ban the album’s cover and any posters advertising because it’s “likely to cause serious or widespread offence” and “the ad was irresponsibly placed where children could see it,” according to the U.K.’s Advertising Standards Authority.

Were they plastering posters in hospital nurseries or those ball pits at McDonald’s? Remember when England had naked women doing the news?